Cloverfield: Worst Movie E-V-E-R
“If I ever see JJ Abrams, I’m going to punch him in the gut.”
- My friend Keith, with whom I just saw Cloverfield
Here’s my Daily Tip for today: stay far away from Cloverfield.
Walking out of the theater, I half expected there to people outside handing out t-shirts that had SUCKER written on the front and I PAID TO SEE CLOVERFIELD on the back. It was that bad. I suffered through the maddening camera work confident that everything would pay off in the end.
It didn’t.
I can think of only two redeeming things about this movie. One, now I think I know how all those Sopranos fans felt after the last episode went off. “Seriously? That’s it? Noooo. You’re kidding me. Really? No way. Shut up.” I’m really sorry I didn’t feel as bad as I should have for you guys.
Two, the trailer for Iron Man may have been my favorite trailer ever. I know some people hate previews, but I absolutely love them. There are way more great previews than great movies. So to say that Iron Man was the best I have ever seen actually means something.
Other than that I feel like a total sucker for buying into the hype, and I’m at a loss for words to adequately convey my feelings. So here’s what I’m going to do…
I know of no better wordsmith than my friend Jess from Adventures in Baby Fat. If she will accept, I’ll not only pay for her and Darth to go see Cloverfield, I’ll also pick up the tab for the babysitting. The only condition is that she write a review afterward. I want her to try to convey how bad this movie is.
How about it, Jess?
And if you’ve seen Cloverfield and want to blog your own review of it, send me the URL once it’s up and I’ll link to yours from this post, too.
Good grief, what an awful movie.
People Who Agreed With Me (At Least in Part)
Best Week Ever: Must-Read Cloverfield Commentary
Matilda T. Zombie Queen in a comment on WWdn: In Exile’s review
Cloverfield Movie Review by modernexpo
And People Who Totally Didn’t
Cloverfield Movie Review - BLOODY-DISGUSTING.COM
This is going to sound extremely bold, but CLOVERFIELD is life changing. Sure it’s just a movie and yeah, it’s not the best movie of all-time, but it will change the way films are made and will forever become a classic among young movie viewers everywhere.
Revisiting my score for Cloverfield…
So after thinking long and hard about it, I’ve decided to revisit my original assessment, and regrade the movie. After taking into account the above, and my own thoughts that were bugging me after seeing it the first time, I am changing my score for Cloverfield from a 4.0 to a 4.5.
Although his wife nailed it for me:
The reason’s been kicking around in my head for a few days, and you making me think about it has brought it to the surface.
There’s no POINT. We don’t know why things are happening the way they are. Real Life is random like that. When I go to the movies, I want more than Real Life.
And THAT’S why I don’t like “Cloverfield”.
Jessalee
January 22, 2008 at
6:23 pm
I’m reading this post and thinking, “Huh, I didn’t realize this movie was so sucktastic,” and then you call me out! Now I totally have to take Darth to see it this weekend. It’s like you double-dog dared me, and I can’t resist that. A review you will have!
P.S. How does one leave a comment that proves worthy of your praise on my wordsmithery? It’s not possible, dude.
Shane
January 22, 2008 at
6:38 pm
I was hoping you wouldn’t be able to resist
And yeah, I hate the pressure to write something witty on command: “Hey, you’re funny. Write something in my friend’s yearbook!”
Keith
January 23, 2008 at
11:03 am
Be sure to tell Jess to load up on Dramamine before going. So should I do the gut punch first then ask for my $7.50 back or ask for the money first then the body blow? I’m thinking the money first.
geena
January 24, 2008 at
2:28 pm
Ouch! (Possible spoilers in this comment)
I was VERY hesitant to go see this movie. It looked stupid. And a monster? You’re kidding me. But my husband REALLLY really wanted to see it, mostly because he is a huge Lost fan and probably thinks JJ can do no wrong.
I personally like movies shot in this perspective. I don’t like the camera work. It’s obviously difficult to watch. I was blown away by Blair Witch.
The first 1/2 hour was boring and if the theater seats had been more comfortable I might have tried to take a nap
But unlike the other poster you quoted above, I liked that it was like “Real Life.” I liked that no one knew what the heck was going on. No one knew where this thing came from. The actors conveyed absolute bewilderment.
And as for wanting more than Real Life at the movies - where in REAL LIFE are you going to encounter an enormous monster with parasitic spider things attacking New York?
That’s what made this a movie for me. Part of me thought, “A monster. Seriously. A monster. What the heck?” and the other part of me thought, “WHOA!!! Look at that sucker!!!”
I thought the end was absolutely perfect. The movie had no explanation during, so why would it have explanation at the end? Their fate was obvious. The announcement about “Operation Hammerdown” explained everything perfectly.
My husband suggested that a sequel shot from the usual movie “God perspective” would be neat to see. Explanations, perfect camera work, etc.
I liked it. So I respectfully disagree
But maybe I’m a tiny bit biased because our tickets were free, as was the babysitting. Ha!
Matthew
January 25, 2008 at
1:06 pm
Spike, I get the impression you really liked this movie
André Silva
January 29, 2008 at
12:15 pm
yes! this filme is SUCKS!!!! [i copy your image, tks*]
MovieFreak
February 25, 2008 at
3:56 pm
People! The movie has a good story but badly executed! Interestingly enough, we have the “smart/ intelligent” movie goers love and understand the movie and the rest of us “not so smart” hated the film. Cloverfield worst movie ever? Not quite, but it’s bad. Good movie is good movie! This is a good movie but bad moving making. Some tend to forget that we want to be entertained at the movie. The director is the story teller who will tell his or her story images through lenses of cameras. This movie failed to tell the story in so many ways. Let’s not forget that movie is moving visual graphics, when people are throwing up all over the world not because of the content but very bad graphic! Where’s the entertainment value in throwing up? Some says, it’s the price you pay for realism! Ok, let talk about realism. First it’s a MONSTER movie! Yes, that’s real! The scene where they encounter the military…if realism is what you want, the movie would be over at that point! Because the camera would have been taken away by the military!
I don’t mind the shaky cam effect but to say this movie employed the shaky effect is to say mount Saint Helen eruption a small puff! The camera was moving from 0 to 180 degrees per 3 second most of the time! Hey Mr. director! This is not creativity…it is inexperience! The critic gives this movie five stars, I wonder if the star represent each time he or she could throw up. This film is a love letter from the producer, director and editor to the “smart” people and “critics”. Hey Paramount! Those people are few and far in between! Your movie can not survive financially if you depend only on them! We “the not so smart people” are the rest of the world! We paid to be entertained, some of us worked hard for the money! You need people like us for your paycheck! My two children and I walked out the theater after 30 sickening minutes. I’m insulted by this duping process. The film should have been a made for television movie special not big screen.
Hollywood are you listening? Good movie is good story telling, you give us a glimpse of the future, transporting us back in time, take us to outer space, remind us of world histories, scared us with your ghostly tales and above all entertained us.
Don’t forget at one time there was a slogan “ Hollywood…now, that’s entertainment!”
Ian
March 15, 2008 at
11:01 pm
I thought it was quite OK. I did feel quite “seasick” right through it from all the jerkiness, and I would not have liked it to be any longer, but it was an interesting idea and quite well done.
Kousha
April 10, 2008 at
7:59 pm
The best thing about this movie was the marketing strategy, it had poor CGI, the story was a pointless rip off of Godzilla and what’s up with the camera? What’s the point of filming the movie like that? Style without purpose is stupid and i have to say I’m very worried about LOST now, we’re probably sticking by these bullshit episodes for a shitty pointless ending! hmmm
Bishoploz
May 19, 2008 at
6:32 am
all time worst movie ever..
J. C. Smith
May 27, 2008 at
2:29 am
I just watched this “movie”?, that i was able to pick up for free rental out of the Redbox and let me be the first to say i want my free code back and my hour and 15 minutes of life. What in the hell was that crap? TOTALLY far fetched from anything real, or exciting. The lame small things i can point out in this movie just bothered me to no end…. example… the girl running from a ginourmous monster through NY city right…. in GOLD 4 inch heels, i mean i can pull a list of these things off this movie all day long. It was annoying to watch, like most i was hoping to find a reason of WHY i might have sat and wasted this moment of my life… and then the movie ended abruptly with no explanation and no real END to this story at all. To say the least i was pissed, i could have been doing something way more important like picking my green jelly belly’s out from the package for my next day at works snack. Being a movie writer these days must not consist of too much, i think im in the wrong business because im sure he got paid quite a bit to come up with that garbage. Here im going to give you all an inside on the movie im going to write to compete with this ish, to be released summer 2009…. Imagine… you wash your clothes and strangely every single time you come up a sock missing… DUN DUN DUNNNNN Well every time you put your laundry in the dryer and turn it on and get it up to the speed of 85 MPH (like the delorean) and your socks go into a time warp… BACK IN TIME!!! Where the evil sock monster eats one sock to drive you nuts. We need to bring in the military to handle this mess and they come and bomb your house where your laundry dryer is… END OF MOVIE. I think we have a winner, ill call it Cloverfieldsucks.Com.